I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
