You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
