You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
