I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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