He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
