tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
