I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
not ubering you a puppy
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
