Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
