Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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