i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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