I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
