Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
