She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
