Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
