you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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