Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
