If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
