You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
