Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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