Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
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My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
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Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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