Don't make out with my wife yet
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize