3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
