i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
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It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
