he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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