my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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