fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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