chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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