in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
