My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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