Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
