I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
