I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
