I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
