His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Randomize
