I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
