captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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