Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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