apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
