Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
