I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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