sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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