New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
