Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
