i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Holy sore nipples Batman
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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