She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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