seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
