my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
