How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
