Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
