I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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