1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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