They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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