Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
