you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
