when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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