I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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