i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
