im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
