Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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