Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
